IBA

m glad... tht we made to 3rd semester... {oyay hassan.... we shd celebrate it some where.... ?}... don't tell me... tht u left for ur pind.. ? 

hw iz Mirza Sardaar doin... ? any up dates.. ? 

Admissions 2005 

A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce. Judge asked:
How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children who were in the last 3 years of ur
marriage? . Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply
NEXT YEAR

yes ! 

Courtesy (or lack thereof)

There is nothing more-irritating than hanging around waiting for somebody to show-up so the quickest way to fail an interview is by arriving late and failing to apologise.

This is closely followed by showing disdain for the interviewer - For example, because they are an insignificant Recruitment Consultant or non-technical HR person rather than a highly-prized Visual Basic Programmer.

You could always try arguing with the interviewer over, for example, the answer to a technical question – Even if you win the argument, you are pretty-well guaranteed to lose the job.

Refusing to be interviewed

The key to a successful interview is thorough preparation and the ability to deliver a structured ‘sales presentation’.

However, for those who can’t be bothered with all of that, you can always use the good-old standby of telling the interviewer that “it’s all in the CV”.

If the interviewer has the audacity to ask you questions, useful responses include “that is not a relevant question” or “that was a long time ago”.

An excellent wheeze is taking a supporter to assist with the interview or even sending a mate in your place – This has happened to me several times and one of my clients even had the candidate’s mum sitting-in.

Mind you, I don't think that I will ever experience anything more bizarre than the time a male candidate turned-up, at the client's premises, clutching a young baby who proceeded to 'gurgle' throughout the interview.

Can’t answer technical questions?

No sweat - You simply say “the important thing is that I know where to look in the manual” or “it is over 3 months since I took the XYZ exam”.

Another approach is to ‘front’ it out with a statement along the lines of “I’ve got 10 years experience and really shouldn’t have to answer technical questions”.

You could always try talking technical jargon ‘at’ the interviewer – Most technical terms mean different things to different people and many won’t question the terminology for fear of showing their ignorance.

However, beware the unruly interviewers who are happy to ask “what does that mean?”

Honesty

The almost infallible sign of an imminent untruth or half-truth is when the candidate says “I’ll be honest with yer” and most experienced interviewers pay close attention to the “I’ll be honest with yer” count.

Honesty and sincerity are two of the most important personal qualities – If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.

Playing it cool

Most people appreciate that potential employers favour candidates who demonstrate ‘enthusiasm’ for the job so you can always reduce your chances of success by playing ‘hard to get’.

For example, I usually ask candidates why they are looking to move and have lost count of the times they tell me that “I am not really looking for a new job”. – This is most irritating and always makes me think “why are you (expletive deleted) wasting my time then”.

Other variations on ‘playing it cool’ include stating that “it is not worth my while moving for X salary” or “I am considering a number of other possibilities”.

Pressuring the employer is quite a good strategy for failure – For example, insisting that you must know the result of the interview by Friday.

A time to negotiate

Assuming that the job will inevitably be yours is rather rude so you can increase your chances of rejection by negotiating the terms and conditions before an offer is actually made.

For example, you might pursue excessive discussion of the benefits package rather than the job itself or you might demand a minimum commitment (on contract) or you might care to specify creature comforts such as the availability of a shower – No kidding, a ‘running’ aficionado once demanded just that at one of my interviews.

Best of all is to share the various financial problems that the potential employer will need to assist you with in order to secure your services.

Salary Discussions

Employers don’t like being rejected any more than candidates and will be unlikely to make an offer unless they feel that it will be accepted.

Consequently, successful jobseekers are likely to be clear and decisive in stating what they require.

Those who prefer the ‘vague and furtive’ approach could well start by asking the employer to “make me an offer and I will give it my due consideration”.

The ‘playing it cool’ types might prefer the “I couldn’t possibly work for less than £x” approach.

If you really want to come over as weak and indecisive, you could try justifying your salary requirement in terms of your present package – For example, “my present salary is £x but you are 10 minutes further up the road, I have a review in the pipeline and you don’t provide BUPA”.

Interview expenses – The knock-out blow

If all else fails, you can virtually guarantee rejection by getting into an argument over interview expenses.

The golden rules are:

Demand interview expenses which have not been arranged in advance.

At the interview, whip out the bill and demand instant payment – In cash.

Most employers will pay the equivalent of 2nd class rail fare but you can provoke an argument by claiming the 1st class fare and adding lunches, dinners, teas, taxis, travel insurance, parking, car repairs, etc, to the basic cost.

While you are at it, why not arrange several interviews on the same day and claim expenses for each – Be sure to arrive late for some of the interviews so that the potential employers can guess what is going on.

Naeem Khan ! happy @ iba.com 

Aha ! yeah Gillet Match III ka kamal hey.... ! 

!! 

m already late, perishan, in hurry, running to class ! entered the room, every seat was full except 2, & mine was 31 jst behind tabish [hummee... may b ... after all tabish perhta hey yaar...]...

Munir steped in class, confused & puzzled ! went to last, available empty seat... ! got more confused, went out da room, came back... , usman was sitting behind me, happy & confident [aham !] !

Munir: Usman yaaar, u r on my seat ...
Usman: (a fishy smile to Munir), ha ha... i know... tum mazaak ker rehay ho...
Munir: Nahi yaaaaar... seriously..... !

other class fellows bzi in... indexing there answer sheets, Miss Lala Rukh : "class settle down............ " !

Usman: sahi sahi bataooo... ? [with more deeepened smile....]
Munir: oki, wait let me check it again.... []went out & came back... in a little "dishoon dishoon mode... ]
Usman: so.. ?
Munir: abbay uth.... nikal yehaaan say.... *sigh* !
Usman: [till not beliving.... ] oki let me check.... leaving his stuff on chair and went out to confirm.....[came back , picked stuff & move to his chair...]
Munir *Happy* [i can convince any body.... MBA iz workin !]

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Tabish: thinking, trying to visualizing all the curves & figures.... [oyee... not tht curves.. !] trying hard , all the musle power from his ankles.....
Ms LalaRukh: Tabish ... kiya masla hey... ?
Tabish: { [ till lost ] ... looking in space... solving... un-solved mysteries of universe ! }
Ms LalaRukh:Tabish i will change ur seat.... [in fact...tabish's space was alittle bit aligned with the horizon & covering Asad, Usman etc etc....]
Tabish: [ confused ....] miss kiya ho gaya ...

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mean time... Munir.. Arslan sharing their view.. [abt section 1].. me getting complexed... ! hopes r timbling from tabish... looking helplessely at all da adjesent sides... which unfurtunatly turned to only 3... as m siiting with the glass wall of rooom 8 !

finaly syncronized my mcq's with asad & munir... :-)... m till tht much conifident as waz before [mean.. not confident... :-P]
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Every body... well.... don't know wht to say.... since .... no body know... wht happened in da last 3 hrs... :-(

Hey friend, I tell you a story. A good story. With a moral in it.
I tell you about a king. I tell you about King Mmefiokmma. See, King M, he living long time ago with big kingdom. Lots of land and people. Just not enough water on one part of his kingdom. So he has like a desert, see?
King M; he a good king. So one day, God says to him: "Mmefiokmma, you're a good king, so I’ll give you the one thing you really need. I'll give you a river so you won’t lack water so much. Good, eh?"
King M says, "It's good," and, "thank you, God," then he sits back and waits for the river.
Soon enough the river comes flowing though. But it’s flowing on the side of the kingdom that don't need it so much.
So King M figures to himself, maybe God forgot which side of the kingdom really needed the river. So he puts up army of workers and they spend a lifetime diverting the river to the side of the kingdom that really needs it.
Problem is, not long after they finish this tedious work, the whole river dries up.
So King M, now wasted by age and disappointment, cries up to God. "God, why have you taken back the river?"
"I didn't." Says God.
"So where's it gone to?" King wants to know.
God chuckles and says, "My son Mmefiokmma, you gave it to the desert, didn't you? That desert been thirsty long before your time. I knew that, but you didn't."
Again King M cries up to God sadly: "God, since you knew the desert was going to drink up the river, why didn't you warn me when I was diverting it there? And since you can do everything, why didn't you just sate the desert so it wouldn't drink up all the river?"
God sighs heavily and King M's whole kingdom trembles. Then God says, "Mmefiokmma, that's the problem with you humans: you just don't get it."
Now, friend, you know the story; you can figure out the moral -- I'm not sure what it is so I can’t tell you. I can tell you though that I like this story and I'd like to try and dramatize it. You think maybe you can play King M and I play God?

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."


the end